I wonder how long more I can cling onto this life; This could possibly be the last post during my life

For the past few days, I have been checking out on HDB and property website for hours and only to realise that it is approaching evening when I finally look away from my screen.  And the search continue into late nights.  All these take place when I am supposed to be studying for my exams in another few weeks' time. 

My mum, my teammate and my cousin told me to focus on my exams at this time.  But.... it is always easier said than to be done.  I wish that I could focus.  But.. the truth is, I cant.

There is no one I could really speak to.  About my emotions, my thoughts, my fears, my anxiousness, about my insecurity, my misery,  my pain, about those tears that I tried to stop it from rolling down.  They said that I was really stressed out.  Indeed.  However, that two words aren't sufficient to cover everything I felt and undergoing right now.

"Be strong." "Jia you". "don't worry, things will be over". "talk to us". Enough is enough. I don't need these.  I need solutions and not empty talks, or rather... pacifying. I need help.  Physical help.  I need support. Physical and emotional support.   Solutions that I could think of, either get me out of here or just let me die immediately.  There is no other better way.

I don't have much energy left to face and handle all these anymore.  When I told my friends that I want to cut down the unhappiness that I am facing right now, by leaving the group chat, I am sure none of them understand how I FELT.  To add on to it, one of them even tried to rebuke me that my unhappiness arose from that issue is totally unnecessary (indirectly).  Different perspective.  You are not me.  I cant handle many things, emotionally, especially now.  It is like, you are running 2.4km for the first time after 12 years of not running, and when you are reaching the final destination, you are made to run another 2.4km. 4.8km in total, without any stopping and walking.  If you apply the experience (the panting, the heartrate, the determination, the muscle sore, etc) to the emotional state, that's how I felt, almost everyday.  Do you think I need other unhappiness to add on to it?

And the major cause of my unhappiness is my father.

~ Last Update on 27 April 2016

I was surfing the facebook after I typed the draft of this post yesterday.  And I chanced upon someone's post that reads, 'Fear has two meanings.  Fear Everything and Run or Face Everything and Rise.  The Choice is Yours.'

As I scrolled further down, I saw one of my ex-colleague's comment on another's fb post.  Bad hunch.  I headed over to the Instagram and saw her post.  Not too good.  Immediately, I whatspp-ed my ex-manager to verify the news, hoping that she would say, "he is fine, why?".  But no, the reply was, "Roy is now in heaven.  Your guardian angel.". Heart sank.  It was just too sudden and he was so young.  You nv realise how precious those moments (be it good or bad) are until that person is no longer around. 

For that moment, I thought, 'why are the bad things surrounding me?'.  Then I remembered what I mentioned ytd in this post; Either let me leave or let me die.  Immediately, my ex-manager continued, "And life must be cherish...".  It kinda dawn on me that... it seems like a message, asking me to stay strong.  But at the same time, I thought, 'why the one who wanted to die, live.  And the one who wanted to live, has to suffer and die?'.

Just now, I was scrolling through his fb, something I have not really done for more than 5yrs since I knew him.  I paused the scrolling and look back at the latest WhatsApp and messages between us.  When I looked up again at his page, it was a photo of him with the caption that reads, 'Sometimes you find yourself in the middle of nowhere, and sometimes in the middle of nowhere, you find yourself.'.

Coincidence.  Right timing.  Right moment.  And it touches deep in my heart.  I would rather decipher that he is trying to convey his message to me, 'Be strong.'  Somehow or rather, if spirit and angel exist, I believe that he is the only who is able to sense and know what I am going through.

I don't want to have regrets.  I wanted to chit-chat with my grandma, or be nicer to her, or even cook for her.....but... I can't.  For fear that someone would think that we are plotting something against him.  For fear that someone would say that my grandma is teaching us bad by talking bad things about him.  For fear that the more unhappiness that he would cause.  For, he has already said things like that, when my grandmother did not say anything bad about him or rather, she did not even speak.  And that is also what he said to her, "you better keep quiet and not talk.". 

Not to mention, this time round, he even told my grandmother in front of my mum and me that, she is not allow to stay in the kitchen.  He said that she eat dinner, can eat for 3 hours (bullshit). And of course, I rebuked him on that.  And he said that, each time he sees her in the kitchen, he will 'talk' to her.  On that day too, he purposely told me infront of my grandmother that, I hv another Auntie but my grandmother gave her away.  It is something that neither my mum and my grandmother, nor him has said to me before.  It is something that my mother wouldn't want me to know, but what's more, my grandmother.  But, sorry... I knew about it ages ago and probably I hv found her.  His motive is obvious.  During the time, my grandmother just got back from hospital, he kept talking to her (in which everyone knew that he is agitating/irritating her) and that made my grandmother tried to shout back at him.  And that left her panting.

Mind you, Doctor said that my grandmother has weak heart and it could stop anytime.  To which, he said that, 'she weak heart? I heart failure!'.  He said that got one time, he couldn't walk outside because he got heart failure, and he has to sit for sometime before he can come back.  Heart failure? I would believe that if it was diagnosed and certified by a doctor.

Do you know how it felt?  Imagine that you are trying to climb up the mountain, but someone is trying to press you down (nope, not push, pressing you on your head).  Yup.  That's how I felt.  Because that I wanted to curb his imagination, I have to keep a distance from my grandmother.  And I really felt terrible about it.  I always have the inner voice telling me, " go talk to her, you wont hv much time left.".  Yes, if he knew about it, he would say, "I did not stop you from talking to her.".  But everytime when he pick a fight, he would say, " don't be stupid and gullible to believe what she say, she trying to sow discord." Sow discord? Like how?  When she did not even speak?  Or when she said that she want the 'chap' with the meat?

Old people sometime will speak loudly.  So sometime, my grandma speak slightly louder, he would 'tsk', loudly.  Occasionally, he would stared at my grandmother when she was going to the toilet.  How I know?  Because I happen to meet his eyes.  I tried maintaining that eye contact for 5 sec, he glared at me and you can tell from his body language, "stare somemore? you want to fight?".  I am not blind, that is an obvious body language that anyone can read. 

He is a liar.  He always said that he did not say or do something even if he did before.  Reason being, you have no other person beside you when you said that.  He lied.  There are certain things which I do not want to say it here in case if he is able to access to this post.  BUt... I hv the evidence.  Because ever since the second time that he said that he nv say the words (which he did), I start doing recording. 

Not only that, I have to be watchful every single moment as to when he will erupt again so that I can get my recording done in time.  Why? He is your father, probably you would think it that way.  A father who told the police that you hit him when you did not to.  A father who always eat his own words and tell lies.  A father who threatens you to chase you out of the house just because he paid almost half of the mortgage?  A father who don't even do housework and leave it to my mum? A father who thinks that he deserve all the respect just because he is a man and a father?  A father who said that he support your studies when all he did was paying you for pri and sec sch fees, to which, my mum fork out more than him?  A father who always try to irritate you just so to pick fight and in the middle, bring up the topic to chase your grandmother back, everytime?  A father who flip like a roti-prate and that makes you start to worry that one day he would malign you to get his motive (refer back to police case)? 

Do you know that he said that I always cook less than a bowl of rice for him, when I DID cook a bowl of rice for him?  And the reason why he said that was because he eat rice using a BIG plate?  Imagine in the future, he said that I abuse him by starving him.  Please don't say that he is my father, he wont do it.  He did tell the police that I BEAT HIM when I DID NOT!  I should have asked the police to open a case on that and get him go to hospital for injury examination to prove my innocence!

If I had the choice, I wouldn't do any recording too.  It is taxing.  Emotionally.  I am fearing, worrying and constantly on guard every single moment, except after he went to bed every night.  I had do the recording, to protect myself or anyone who needs it, just in case he flip the roti-prate.

Do you know.... how hard I tried to sustain? Do you know that I had to resort to watching dramas and keep my mind occupied with things that does not meet my concentration just to divert my attention from all these?

There are just too many things that had happened... I just couldn't say all at one shot.  I decided to keep this post as a single long post.  Just so, in case that one day I am not around and someone happen to see this post, will know (not understand... no one will) what I've been through.  I do know that everyone has their own problems, but let's be real, as long as it does not involve you, how affected can you be?  You will be able to talk freely, say whatever you want to say, but you can just walk away at the end of the day while that person is still suffering deep down.

~ Last update 28 April 2016, 7.52PM

It's 30 April. My 28th.  Initially my ex-boss wanted to meet me for a short lunch today and even tried to come all the way to Tampines.  She comforted me that she can visit her mother-in-law at the same time.  But in view of what is happening at home, I did not confirm the appt with her until later.  I rejected the appt after knowing my mum is working today, to which she only told me ytd that she is on leave today.  

Kinda irritated especially when she always dont 交代 things clearly.  Anyway, I previously has told some of the people I know, that I hv no intention of celebrating my birthday this yr.  I find nothing to joy about my birth. I made up my mind ytd, I shall stop celebrating birthday until I reach 35 or.... 

I was contemplating whether to go out or not.  Whenever I did not make appt with someone, I just feel like dragging and end up not going out when it is already late afternoon.  

In e end, i went out.  Tampines or Bedok?  I had the thought of going back to where my grandma stayed previously (at bedok).  As I was still thinking, the bus to bedok is coming soon while the waiting time for the rest of the bus is more than 10mins. Then I thought, 'if the vehicle is in red within 5sec, I will go bedok.'  Just when I count 2, one red taxi appeared.  

I tried to walk the same path when I was younger.  I could only recognise the shelter nxt to the CC.  Things had change there. I couldnt rmb much. As I walked further in, I came upon my kindergarten (K1). It looked different from what I rmb. I walked further in, trying to find pieces of my childhood memory.  I cant find much. Things had change. The same playround is no longer there. I rmb the area in front of the block was supposed to be open space, but it is a building.  

I continued my path and finally reached the block. Ongoing malay wedding held at the new building for recreational.  I called my mum to confirm the block and unit no.  Some old aunties sitting at the void deck. Even the void deck looks slightly different, but at least, I could recognise parts of it.  How the staircases were positioned. And image of the lift lobby came to my mind. I wonder if HDB added another lift lobby to the block or we dont use that lift lobby in the past. I did not take the lift there and continue walking down the block. FINALLY, I saw the ever-so-familiar lift lobby appeared in front of me.  I am kinda 激动 internally. I went in the lift and pressed 7.  I paused at the road division after I stepped out frm the lift.  I rmb, left side. The passage (actually is the corridor) is dark as usual but now, there are handles on the wall.  I dont recall that when I was young.  One auntie was blocking the way with her cartons and she spoke to me in hokkien. I could only understand that she was asking me if I want to walk past, I said yeah. She said something else and I told her I dont understand hokkien.  I walked down the passage and managed to peek a little into some of the house. Yup yup. IT IS THAT MEMORY!  I did not hesitate a bit and walk straight to the end of the block and turn left. #07-640.  Someone is staying there now.  Then I rmb my grandma actually did cooking outside the flat, near the staircase (hers is next to the staircase).  But now, it is filled with laundry of the residents.  My mum told me before, the flat opp my grandma once belong to her friend too.  And her friend had two grandsons to whom I also knew.  But, I don't remember them anymore.

I had to leave despite that I wish that I need not.  It felt as though, I am back home too. A place that I once stayed in until I was 5 yo, on the weekdays only though.  I left the block and went to find the nearby coffeeshop and shops that I once knew.  But.... it felt so different.... It felt so not right.  Though I don't recognise any shops now, but the layout of those old blocks are still familiar to me.  I passed by one of the old confectionary shop and bought some childhood bread and sweet there.  I asked the lady boss how long has she operate the shop, she told me 42 years and probably I am not born yet.  She got my age and told me that her daughter is about my age.  Once her daughter crawl on the dirty floor and one auntie commented and tried to clean her up.  From then on, that auntie become her daughter's nanny because her daughter love her so much that she don't even want to go home.  Somehow or rather, I felt that this is the type of 人情味 that only take place in the olden days and it is probably non-existent by now.

I thought my day is going to end peacefully.  At least I was feeling better after reviving my childhood (to find simple happiness) and even have my childhood friend to wish me bday in WhatsApp, which she hadn't for a few yrs.  Especially when I already remove my birthday date in fb.  That simply show that she remembered.  Actually building happiness is simple.  Small little things can make happy, but just one thing can ruin everything.

My grandma happened to speak slightly louder just now and my father gave problem again.  He told her not to speak and by speaking, is her mean to cause unhappiness in the family.  Using his word, 要搞到我们家破人亡。But seriously, he is the one who start all the fight and yet he is pushing the blame to others.  And the sup-thing is, he thinks he is right.  I am so glad that I am constantly on guard and managed to record his outbreak.  Oh, he shut up after he saw that I took video recording and after hearing my comment that the person whom I spoke to previously that I can actually sue him for his unreasonable requirement. You know what, now my grandma is somehow like whispering to my mum.  And when she talked to my mum softly, he always say that she is talking bad about him.  TELL ME! HOW DO YOU HANDLE SUCH A HUMAN BEING!

All his doings cause one old lady to behave in such restricted ways and he think that he is right just because he own the place.  Mind you, my mum would pay more for the flat.  Do you know that neither me, my mum and my grandma spend any time in the living room and that happen years since we move here.  Probably my mum spent slightly more time in the living room than us.  I don't eat in the kitchen and now my grandma also don't eat in the kitchen because of him.  Basically, the only place we lived in, are our rooms and common area is the kitchen and the toilet there, excluding common walkway since we don't stay there.  What he owe, the whole living room, his master bedroom and the common area-kitchen.  He don't realise the problem lies with him.

Not to mention, my mum was talking to me in the kitchen.  When I was bringing my dinner back to my room, I saw that he faster lean back to the sofa and turn his head from the kitchen and continue to watch TV.  It was too obvious to miss it. 

I asked you.  When all these happening around you, don't you wish that you can leave immediately?  Birthday? I see no point in celebrating it.  Probably only after those who cause my troubles and unhappiness leave me and/or I am able to live my own life my own way without disturbance, THEN I find meaning in celebrating my life.

You are not me.  You have not experienced and felt exactly how I felt through all these.  Therefore, you have no right to judge me.  If you want to judge, please don't judge on the basis that parents are always right because they gave birth to you.  Firstly, I DID NOT ask them to give birth to me and/or raise me up.  There are parents who did abortions and/or abandon their kids.  I have never take that they give birth and raise me up is 理所当然.  If they did that in the past, it is their will.  I know who I should be filial towards.  Only those who deserve it.  And it is my will to choose to do so.  I have never said that their money belong to me, neither any one of them has the right to say that MY money belong to them.  Especially my father, who has the cheek to say so.  HA!

So you tell me.... what's the joy of my life?

35 years old.  I CAN'T WAIT!

~ Last update on 30 April 2016, 8.12PM

I just went through some of my previous posts and looked back from the past.  I realised that things are just getting tougher and the emotional turmoil are getting worst.  It is as though someone is trying to break me.  The tougher I get, the tougher the tribulation is to given to me.  As though, everything would end after he/she has successfully break me down.

In one of the posts, I hope to spend time with my grandma.  Being with her.  I am glad and thankful that I have the chance now because she is staying with me.  However, like what I hv stated earlier on, I had a hard time trying to chit-chat with her as I am constantly on guard when someone will start the quarrel again.

I am thankful that at least my grandma was discharged on my lunar birthday and she is with me today on my western bday.  It has been long since she was with me during my birthday, even if she don't rmb it anymore.  Her presence is sufficient for me.  Actually I thought of getting a cake today, so that she can eat my birthday cake.  But, I really don't want to share that cake with certain people.  In order to stop the unnecessary jealousy or childish-ness, I didn't get a cake.  And yea, this will be the last time I get a cake for my birthday until I am 35 or.... . Reason being, I want my grandma to eat my birthday cake. 

However, I am really thankful to my cousins who actually got me a small cake.  I could share it with my grandma.  At least it is something that add meaning to my 28th birthday.

On a side note, I never knew that I could be a water tap with the ability to just cry immediately.

~ Last update on 30 April 2016, 10.37 PM

Early morning at about 4am, I was woken up by my grandma.  I saw her rushing over (yes, rushing even when she pant when she walk) to my room just so to check if I am ok.  She told me that she heard me shouting and that's why she reached over.  But I don't think that I did shout or anything.  This is the second time she thought that I was shouting when I did not.  My mum was around the first time and told me that I did not shout.  Anyway, she kept assuring me that everything is ok, she is here, don't be scared.  She held my hand and kept assuring me. 

...

That's just reminds me of the time that I asked for her when I caught my mum going to gamble again and I was at the brink of breaking down.

~Last update on 4 May 2016, 8.30 PM

曾经当乌云密布时，我心里都会很开心
因为要下雨了
当风刮起的时候，那带着雨味和青草味的气息，
曾经让我那么的心情舒畅和欢喜
看着雨水，
曾经让我好兴奋、好开心
曾经我会坐在窗前，什么都不做，就这样静静的看着雨水从天上掉落，打在地面上。
曾经雨打在地上的声音，是首好听的音乐。
那首音乐能解除我一身疲惫和烦恼，让我感觉到内心深处的宁静。
我真的好喜欢下雨天。

可是

现在的我。。。再也感受不到这一切。。
雨一直下。。。
一直下。。。
我没那个心情。。。
心里想的、念的、
是什么时候我才能过真正属于自己的生活。。。
也只有保持着对未来的憧憬，我才有动力走下去。。。

其他的。。。没意义了。

~ Last updated on 11 May 2016, 5.58 PM