It has been some time since I last blogged. I have decide to start on a new post instead of continuing the previous post.
Many things happen between 11 May until now. Changes were so........ everything just happened too quickly and that sent my emotions up and down.
Once I thought that I might end up homeless. Troubled. Stressed. Helpless. Anger. Anxiety. And of course, the unwillingness to handle/solve all these issues (in terms of monetary) when the cause of the problems don't come from me. I was so lost that I cried everyday, even in the day then. I felt as though I am breaking apart and going insane soon. As though once the rubber snap, off I will go to the mental hospital. It is to the extent that I turn to my friend. Yeah. Something that I never expect myself to do so. But I am glad that I do felt the help and concern though.
Once, I stood by the kitchen window, looking up at the sky and looking down at the street. Tears just started rolling down. I asked myself if that is the only way out. I replied, yes. Is it worth it? No. Then why you thought that way? Because I have no other way out. Aint you afraid of death? I am. Then why you want to escape through this way? You have a much longer way to go and as long as you are alive, you still have the chance of being happy and satisfied with your life. Problems will go away, it is just the matter of time. Yeah, I have conversation with myself, in my mind, everyday, almost every moment. Just to keep myself sane. Or am I insane.
It was until then I went to draw guan yin lots. Apparantly, I felt that she is really helping me. I even teared up in front of her and one uncle saw. Everything just seemed to fall into places and path seem to be paved for me after the praying. And it just goes so swiftly and smoothly. I don't know if that my prayer is considered as answered. I shall wait and see for a few moments more.
When I looked back, actually my wishes did come true. But I always have to suffer in a way or so. I remembered saying before that I envy my cousins that they were able to live with my grandma. I wish I could and I wanted to take the chance to bao da her, especially I am not working now. I could actually spent more time with her. I got my wish. She stayed with me for a few months. Despite the problems that arise from this and all the suffering and emotion turmoil I went through. If you asked me now, I would say, it is still worth it. At the least, I have the chance to have her stay with me.
During her stay here, there were a few times when her situation got critical that everyone of us thought that she wont make it. My mum (and I also told her before) thought that the reason why she always got better was because that she is staying to accomplish something, which is wait until my parents divorced. But one thing I didn't tell my mum was, everytime my grandma was in critical situation, I always say in my heart that I wish that she could hold on longer... wait for me... I haven't spend enough time with her yet. Sometime I don't know if my 意愿 is that strong that I could actually pull her back. But the truth was, she did get better.
Now she moved back to my uncle's place and soon, probably nursing home. I really don't know if it is really for the better of her, emotionally. But it is definitely something better for her as there will be someone who can take care of her 24/7, and she would not have to see those people who detested. She could live with more pride and freedom, perhaps she would be happier. That's the only way I can pacify myself.
I was out with my friend after my last exam today. I really... do not wish to come back. Then I realised that I felt almost the same during my poly days when my mum brought my grandma back to my uncle's place after the fight.
Now, I have to try to get used to without her at home again.
Many things happen between 11 May until now. Changes were so........ everything just happened too quickly and that sent my emotions up and down.
Once I thought that I might end up homeless. Troubled. Stressed. Helpless. Anger. Anxiety. And of course, the unwillingness to handle/solve all these issues (in terms of monetary) when the cause of the problems don't come from me. I was so lost that I cried everyday, even in the day then. I felt as though I am breaking apart and going insane soon. As though once the rubber snap, off I will go to the mental hospital. It is to the extent that I turn to my friend. Yeah. Something that I never expect myself to do so. But I am glad that I do felt the help and concern though.
Once, I stood by the kitchen window, looking up at the sky and looking down at the street. Tears just started rolling down. I asked myself if that is the only way out. I replied, yes. Is it worth it? No. Then why you thought that way? Because I have no other way out. Aint you afraid of death? I am. Then why you want to escape through this way? You have a much longer way to go and as long as you are alive, you still have the chance of being happy and satisfied with your life. Problems will go away, it is just the matter of time. Yeah, I have conversation with myself, in my mind, everyday, almost every moment. Just to keep myself sane. Or am I insane.
It was until then I went to draw guan yin lots. Apparantly, I felt that she is really helping me. I even teared up in front of her and one uncle saw. Everything just seemed to fall into places and path seem to be paved for me after the praying. And it just goes so swiftly and smoothly. I don't know if that my prayer is considered as answered. I shall wait and see for a few moments more.
When I looked back, actually my wishes did come true. But I always have to suffer in a way or so. I remembered saying before that I envy my cousins that they were able to live with my grandma. I wish I could and I wanted to take the chance to bao da her, especially I am not working now. I could actually spent more time with her. I got my wish. She stayed with me for a few months. Despite the problems that arise from this and all the suffering and emotion turmoil I went through. If you asked me now, I would say, it is still worth it. At the least, I have the chance to have her stay with me.
During her stay here, there were a few times when her situation got critical that everyone of us thought that she wont make it. My mum (and I also told her before) thought that the reason why she always got better was because that she is staying to accomplish something, which is wait until my parents divorced. But one thing I didn't tell my mum was, everytime my grandma was in critical situation, I always say in my heart that I wish that she could hold on longer... wait for me... I haven't spend enough time with her yet. Sometime I don't know if my 意愿 is that strong that I could actually pull her back. But the truth was, she did get better.
Now she moved back to my uncle's place and soon, probably nursing home. I really don't know if it is really for the better of her, emotionally. But it is definitely something better for her as there will be someone who can take care of her 24/7, and she would not have to see those people who detested. She could live with more pride and freedom, perhaps she would be happier. That's the only way I can pacify myself.
I was out with my friend after my last exam today. I really... do not wish to come back. Then I realised that I felt almost the same during my poly days when my mum brought my grandma back to my uncle's place after the fight.
Now, I have to try to get used to without her at home again.
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