Phantasy World

It has been some time since I last blogged.  I have decide to start on a new post instead of continuing the previous post. Many things happen between 11 May until now.  Changes were so........ everything just happened too quickly and that sent my emotions up and down.  Once I thought that I might end up homeless.  Troubled. Stressed.  Helpless. Anger. Anxiety. And of course, the unwillingness to handle/solve all these issues (in terms of monetary) when the cause of the problems don't come from me.  I was so lost that I cried everyday, even in the day then.  I felt as though I am breaking apart and going insane soon.  As though once the rubber snap, off I will go to the mental hospital.  It is to the extent that I turn to my friend. Yeah.  Something that I never expect myself to do so. But I am glad that I do felt the help and concern though. Once, I stood by the kitchen window, looking up at the sky and looking down at the str...

For the past few days, I have been checking out on HDB and property website for hours and only to realise that it is approaching evening when I finally look away from my screen.  And the search continue into late nights.  All these take place when I am supposed to be studying for my exams in another few weeks' time.  My mum, my teammate and my cousin told me to focus on my exams at this time.  But.... it is always easier said than to be done.  I wish that I could focus.  But.. the truth is, I cant. There is no one I could really speak to.  About my emotions, my thoughts, my fears, my anxiousness, about my insecurity, my misery,  my pain, about those tears that I tried to stop it from rolling down.  They said that I was really stressed out.  Indeed.  However, that two words aren't sufficient to cover everything I felt and undergoing right now. "Be strong." "Jia you". "don't worry, things will be over". "talk...

I question the purpose of my existence in this world. It is as though I am living for others instead for myself.  My time belong to others... my life belong to others. No matter how hard I tried to withdraw myself away, many things would happen that forced me back to the fact that I exist for others. I am here to take on all the hardships that brought to me by others and it is as though that I deserved it and I have no rights to complain about it. . . . . . . my troubles are nothing.  My worries are nothing.  My health is nothing.  Everything abt 'me' doesn't matter at all.  For I am here to serve others, live for others, suffer because of others. If what she said was true, I am probably here to 赎罪. Or perhaps, that's the only reason that I can use to convince myself that my existence is purely for the sake of others. If a person is born with the soul, and if the soul dispersed, that person will never co...

During the past life reading session I had last year, I was told that I have an angel with me, named M. To be frank, that wasn't the part I was concerned about at that time.  I did not even remember the name. It was until recently that I find that things are going haywire again (kinda of way too much).  I am lost.  Feeling hopeless and helpless... I knew that I need someone.  Someone who can tell me that I am going to be ok.  I listened to that recording that I took during the session and finally, I got the name. There was a time when I thought of silly thing.  Almost immediately, one of my friends contacted me (us) in the group chat, asking for a meet-up.  My emotions and thoughts had been on roller coaster for the past 2 weeks plus.  I doubt the meaning of my life.  It was difficult.  Almost the same as what I felt years ago, or worser.  I doubt myself, and everything.  There was one night, I t...

I have experienced sleep paralysis a few times.  Each and every time, I thought that I was going to die if I am unable to make myself wake up.  It is scary but yet, peaceful.   For once, I wish that I can experience it again. And this time, I will not force myself to wake up. 

I have been contemplating on writing this post.  There are too many things running through my mind and it is not that easy to list it one by one. I have been living in fear since my teens.  The fear mainly come from family issues.  Recently there was a news on the NS guy who committed suicide due to many issues that made him felt so useless.  Everyone has their hard times and issues.  Only those who are undergoing it will understand how hard it is.  When I read that news, I was thinking.... that could be me years ago.  I thought that I was mentally and emotionally strong enough to undertake whatever 'torture' that will come to me.  I was so damn wrong.  For the past week, people have been taking turns in reminding me that my grandma is old and probably... it is soon.   Seeing her being so weak and suffering.... my heart do ache.  She pant each time she talk, eat and walk.  Seeing her able to eat, talk and walk, ...

In the past, I always think that I want to live a life with many events taking place just like the dramas shown on tv.  I used to think that by living such life, then it means that you have lived before. Simple life was never my cup of tea, then.  It feels like a prank being played on me.  When I finally realised the essence of simplicity in life, many things jus had to happen.  平平静静过日子，原来是个多奢侈的愿望。 What I wished for, was to live a life without any disturbance on anything and having to worry for anything.  I know, it is impossible.  From young, all the dramas that took place at home to the dramas between friends to the dramas in the office.  Never was I not involved in any.  After each tribulation, my mindset changed.  从意识到，了解到，明白了，体验到，我和身边的人有一点不一样。那就是，不管发生了什么，我都是一个人面对，一个人痛苦难过，一个人度过。 也就只有这一点是辈子都不会改变的。 When I got out of the office, it feels as though I am finally goin to live a peaceful ever after.  What a wishful dream.  It just some...