Phantasy World

你知道什么最可怕吗？ 当你已经失去了信任。 你知道什么让人最无助、最彷徨、最没有安全感吗？ 当你随时随地会失去一个容身之处。 It is during my stay outside for the past few days that I finally felt that, I am really better off living by myself.  Without anyone dragging me behind.  Initially, 我心心念念的希望可以快点回去我的狗窝。可是，我现在真的一点都不想再回去了。  我每天过的心惊胆战。 I read from somewhere that said, remember the one who help you, forget but never forgt the one who cause your suffering.  Yes. I will always remember who are the ones who cause my misery and suffering.  将来一定原本戴利还给你！

It has been some time since I last blogged.  I have decide to start on a new post instead of continuing the previous post. Many things happen between 11 May until now.  Changes were so........ everything just happened too quickly and that sent my emotions up and down.  Once I thought that I might end up homeless.  Troubled. Stressed.  Helpless. Anger. Anxiety. And of course, the unwillingness to handle/solve all these issues (in terms of monetary) when the cause of the problems don't come from me.  I was so lost that I cried everyday, even in the day then.  I felt as though I am breaking apart and going insane soon.  As though once the rubber snap, off I will go to the mental hospital.  It is to the extent that I turn to my friend. Yeah.  Something that I never expect myself to do so. But I am glad that I do felt the help and concern though. Once, I stood by the kitchen window, looking up at the sky and looking down at the str...

For the past few days, I have been checking out on HDB and property website for hours and only to realise that it is approaching evening when I finally look away from my screen.  And the search continue into late nights.  All these take place when I am supposed to be studying for my exams in another few weeks' time.  My mum, my teammate and my cousin told me to focus on my exams at this time.  But.... it is always easier said than to be done.  I wish that I could focus.  But.. the truth is, I cant. There is no one I could really speak to.  About my emotions, my thoughts, my fears, my anxiousness, about my insecurity, my misery,  my pain, about those tears that I tried to stop it from rolling down.  They said that I was really stressed out.  Indeed.  However, that two words aren't sufficient to cover everything I felt and undergoing right now. "Be strong." "Jia you". "don't worry, things will be over". "talk...

I question the purpose of my existence in this world. It is as though I am living for others instead for myself.  My time belong to others... my life belong to others. No matter how hard I tried to withdraw myself away, many things would happen that forced me back to the fact that I exist for others. I am here to take on all the hardships that brought to me by others and it is as though that I deserved it and I have no rights to complain about it. . . . . . . my troubles are nothing.  My worries are nothing.  My health is nothing.  Everything abt 'me' doesn't matter at all.  For I am here to serve others, live for others, suffer because of others. If what she said was true, I am probably here to 赎罪. Or perhaps, that's the only reason that I can use to convince myself that my existence is purely for the sake of others. If a person is born with the soul, and if the soul dispersed, that person will never co...

During the past life reading session I had last year, I was told that I have an angel with me, named M. To be frank, that wasn't the part I was concerned about at that time.  I did not even remember the name. It was until recently that I find that things are going haywire again (kinda of way too much).  I am lost.  Feeling hopeless and helpless... I knew that I need someone.  Someone who can tell me that I am going to be ok.  I listened to that recording that I took during the session and finally, I got the name. There was a time when I thought of silly thing.  Almost immediately, one of my friends contacted me (us) in the group chat, asking for a meet-up.  My emotions and thoughts had been on roller coaster for the past 2 weeks plus.  I doubt the meaning of my life.  It was difficult.  Almost the same as what I felt years ago, or worser.  I doubt myself, and everything.  There was one night, I t...

I have experienced sleep paralysis a few times.  Each and every time, I thought that I was going to die if I am unable to make myself wake up.  It is scary but yet, peaceful.   For once, I wish that I can experience it again. And this time, I will not force myself to wake up.