Phantasy World

I have been contemplating on writing this post.  There are too many things running through my mind and it is not that easy to list it one by one. I have been living in fear since my teens.  The fear mainly come from family issues.  Recently there was a news on the NS guy who committed suicide due to many issues that made him felt so useless.  Everyone has their hard times and issues.  Only those who are undergoing it will understand how hard it is.  When I read that news, I was thinking.... that could be me years ago.  I thought that I was mentally and emotionally strong enough to undertake whatever 'torture' that will come to me.  I was so damn wrong.  For the past week, people have been taking turns in reminding me that my grandma is old and probably... it is soon.   Seeing her being so weak and suffering.... my heart do ache.  She pant each time she talk, eat and walk.  Seeing her able to eat, talk and walk, ...

In the past, I always think that I want to live a life with many events taking place just like the dramas shown on tv.  I used to think that by living such life, then it means that you have lived before. Simple life was never my cup of tea, then.  It feels like a prank being played on me.  When I finally realised the essence of simplicity in life, many things jus had to happen.  平平静静过日子，原来是个多奢侈的愿望。 What I wished for, was to live a life without any disturbance on anything and having to worry for anything.  I know, it is impossible.  From young, all the dramas that took place at home to the dramas between friends to the dramas in the office.  Never was I not involved in any.  After each tribulation, my mindset changed.  从意识到，了解到，明白了，体验到，我和身边的人有一点不一样。那就是，不管发生了什么，我都是一个人面对，一个人痛苦难过，一个人度过。 也就只有这一点是辈子都不会改变的。 When I got out of the office, it feels as though I am finally goin to live a peaceful ever after.  What a wishful dream.  It just some...

缘份，到底是什么？ 曾经在网上搜寻了一下。。 有缘会相识 有缘会相聚 有缘有份，会在一起一辈子。 家人，一定有缘，但不一定有份。 朋友，有缘，但不一定有份。 朋友，有份，不一定有缘。 一辈子的朋友，有缘份。 情人，有缘，不一定有份； 情人，有份，不一定有缘。 缘，是上天给的机会。 份，是自己给自己的机会。 可是，天时地利太重要。 在错的时间，遇上对的人，有份无缘。 在对的时间，遇上错的人，有缘无份。 有时候，当你频频遇见一个人，一开始时，或许以不以为意。 但总是因为一些小事，让你渐渐的注意到了那人的存在，而你也知道，他也一样。 其实也没什么。大家只是住的近，又在同一个时间出现在同一的地方。 只是当你在不同时间但同的地方，又再遇见时。。。 只是当你在不同时间和地点，又再遇见时。。。 慢慢的，你学会了不再在意了。 慢慢的，那人不再出现得那么频繁。 慢慢的，你忘了。 可是，老天好像很喜欢跟你开玩笑。 突然，你又开始遇见那人，而且你记得他，他也记得你。 这游戏看似好玩，却一点也不好玩。 这就是有缘。 两三次，巧合。 太多次，这又叫什么？ 一开始，你注意了，他没留意。 再来，你不以为意了，他开始注意了。 最后，大家都不在意了。

I CANT WAIT FOR THE SEMESTER TO BE OVER! FREAK! I have not accomplish my to-do list previously! 1) To go to that spot to catch the planes 2) To walk down my memory lane when I was still in Kindergarten New things on my to-do list after this semester 3) Do painting 4) Planting (which I couldnt wait so, I have started on that.  PLEASE SPROUT, MY BABIES!) 5) To fix my miniatures (which were already staying in my cupboard) 6) Going on random long bus ride and alighting anywhere that I want to 7) Walking along the heritage trails 8) Pick up a new activity.  Heee.. Secret.  I need that money first.  But should be possible by then. SHIT! I CANT WAIT! PLEASE! MOVE FASTER!

渐渐得明白到在这个圈子生存的道理。 渐渐的学会如何玩这个游戏。 渐渐得难免会遗失自己。 慢慢的你也会忘了原本的自己。 那个简简单单的自己。 偶尔回首 会想要回到最初的自己 可是当你回头看时， 你更本也不知道要如何才能做回自己 因为这一路走来 你变了 回不去了。 你也越来越讨厌自己。 可是你却还记得， 要在这战场存活 你就必须把自己变成自己也讨厌的人。

这些年经历过了好多事。家里的问题，社会上的问题，我都算一步步走过了。我相信我经历了比其他人多，就算没有，但至少我比他们坚强。 很多人就算遇到问题，总是有人在旁协助。譬如，家人、朋友、兄弟姐妹。我呢？ 什么都没有。我会这样说，是因为在我受折磨时，我都是一个人走过。一些事毕竟不该把外人拉进来。 我什么都不说，并不代表我过得还好。就算说，也只不过是不完整的文字。只有身在其中才会完完全全的体会到那份'苦'。我体验过难受到哭不出来的时候。这也许叫'欲哭无泪'吧！ 当然每个人都有问题。但我只想说，我已经比好多人来的坚强。曾经有人对我说过这句话。我差点就要哭了。是不知觉的。 但是就算再坚强，人心还是肉做的。 再坚强，也会累。 再坚强，也有会放弃的那一天。 如果可以，我希望我不要这么坚强。如果一开始，我没有像现在坚强，说不定，世上早就没有我了。 Kor, 我好想你在身边。

What makes you think that you have grown up? Your looks, your thinkings, whether you are still studying or working now.  What I have just realised was, other than those factors mentioned, there is another way to tell; Death is always around you.  Death of your loved ones, death of your fellow friends/acquaintance, etc.  Have you ever so frequently heard of your friends/acquaintance passing away when you are just in Primary school/secondary school? Probably I should count myself lucky that none of this has happened to anyone directly related to me. However it kinda of upset me each and every time when I read those saddening fb status or blog entry. Since Poly times, I have been receiving news that friends of my friends have passed away due to many reasons -  accidents or unknown reasons which probably could be hidden health problems.  Most of the news did appear in the papers or news spread via FB. I felt as though I feel part of my friends' emotions each ti...